How Do I Escape Emotional Ties?

April 18th, 2009 | by admin |

I posted a while back about leaving my husband due to financial misconduct in our marriage. To recap, he's borrowed money from friends and family members behind my back. In the 10 yrs we've been married I have given him$80,000 ($18,000 which he took without my knowledge until I received a bank statement) to help him with his mysterious financial mess.) I've moved out, consulted a lawyer, but after 14 months cannot proceed with the divorce because I feel I still love him and it would hurt him. How do I break this emotional bondage? He still calls asking for help and still tells me he loves me and misses me. He also says he is trying his best to fix his mess. He asks me not to meet with friends where he might be because it is too hard for him to see me. I just can't mover over this hurdle. He owns his own business which he is hanging onto with a thread and is trying not to lose his house (not on my name) which is close to foreclosure.) His problems make it difficult for me to leave because I feel I am hurting him. I'm in counseling and have made some progress, but need to hear from others to help me clarify my problem. To complicate the mess I have met a very nice man who used to be an employee of his. I am afraid to even think of dating him because my husband would accuse me of leaving the marriage for another man. Though I have left, the stiutation still controls me.
As my new firend says, "The only thing that has changed is my location." Throughout the marriage I would constantly hear what a good person/wife I am and how much he loves me. He would also say things like I could never meet anyone who could love me as much as he does. Also he would say things like he would like to see the man who could love me as much as he does. Somehow over the course of time he has gained emotional control of me, but would deny it.

You're ex sounds like an addict of some sort, and is playing you. You will find help attending Al-anon. It is a support group for family members of alcoholics, but anyone can join. I highly recommend you try it.

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  1. 3 Responses to “How Do I Escape Emotional Ties?”

  2. By sweetpea on Apr 18, 2009 | Reply

    You're ex sounds like an addict of some sort, and is playing you. You will find help attending Al-anon. It is a support group for family members of alcoholics, but anyone can join. I highly recommend you try it.
    References :

  3. By Betty M on Apr 18, 2009 | Reply

    Control is only given when we permit it. It sounds like you both are still in love and that in itself is a good place to start. But sometimes it's just not enough to stay and go down with the ship. I sincerely think your husband has a secret about the finances, and that's called gambling. Sorry, but people that go through that amount of money have problems and I think that is his. Trust is now broken and what you need to do is take care of yourself, which you are doing. Don't get involved with anyone until this is all sorted out. It can only make matters worse in the end. Keep busy and continue in therapy and call him on the money issue. If he is not truthful, then nothing is ever going to get healed between you both. I do hope and pray over time both of you will heal and learn from all this, either together or individually.
    References :
    personal experience

  4. By tweediebirds@sbcglobal.net on Apr 18, 2009 | Reply

    What he is saying to you is not out of love, it is his way of controlling you. Users ar very adept at finding what buttons to push in order to get their way. He has probably, not even been honest about what and where he has blown all the money, and you need to get more honest with yourself about how angry all of his deception has affected you. You deserve a better life. He obviously is one of those people, that will keep flushing his life down the toilet, taking all who care to join in with him until he hits rock bottom. He is not there yet. He still has the house , business, and unfortunately more of your sympathy than he deserves. Also how dare him to expect you not to see old friends because it supposedly hurts him to see you. What a lame ass.
    Sounds like he should be ashamed to be seen by anyone from his past. Don't be naive, and especially don't let this clown control you any more. Move on, break all ties, and have a happy life.
    References :

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